No go.

"Remember you´ll hurt people around you by committing suicide. They won´t go a day without thinking of you and it will kill them with sadness." Just read one of those texts and asked myself whether it can get worse, more stupid and more senseless.
Excuse me, but:
REMEMBER THAT THE PEOPLE AROUND ME ARE THE REASON I DON´T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE. THEY BULLY, THEY SAY THINGS WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT WHAT THEY DO TO ME AND THEN IT´S ME WHO SHOULD CARE ABOUT HOW THEIR OWN STUPIDITY AND MISTAKES MAKE THEM FEEL BAD BECAUSE THEY KILLED ME?
I don´t see any sense in that. The only message I can read here is: "Be sorry for everyones mistakes because it´s all your fault."
Makes me feel sick. I imagine the person who wrote that actually "killed" someone and now doesn´t want to accept it´s his/her fault so he/she tells everyone it´s the suicide commiters mistake and there´s nothing wrong with ones self. 
It´s just fucking wrong and sad.

3:AM thoughts

When people ask me what I want in life I don´t know what to answer, to be honest, I don´t want anything anymore. 
I gave up on life age 13. 5 years passed. 
Do you think I can actually shake myself and say "Everything´s alright. Life´s good!" without knowing I´m lying to myself? No. I´d feel bad. 
I´d feel really shit lying to myself about a "good life" after all the suicide attempts and downs. 
I know it´s never been perfect. Never expected it to be. It´s never going to be what we want it to be. It´s what it is and there´s nothing to do about that.
I don´t want to go to college anymore. I don´t want to work.
I know I´ll never be able to have a career. Why do I have to work on it then?
I wake up depressed day after day for my whole life.
What is it all for? I´ll die young and lonely anyway.

Death

Death is a peaceful feeling.

You start shaking.

Your body cools down.

Everything you see turns white.

You feel your blood floating slowly in every part of your body.

You hear your heartbeat panic.

You hear every noise around you very clearly.

You get the feeling of release.

You just let go and feel free.

The worst feeling is to wake up after that peaceful happening. You wake up, still shaking like crazy, not seeing a thing because everything is still white, you´re covered in ice-cold sweat and feel the blood rushing and burning through your body like fire. You have no clue whether you should try harder for the release or should continue living with pain.

People

There are two types of people: The creators and the destroyers.
As a creator you create angels.
As a destroyer you  destroy these angels and have the power to create demons.


Once you´re a demon there´s no way out. 


Evil wins. MUHAHAHAHAHA.

Home

I can´t remember the last time I felt like I´m home. The last time I felt good at the place I´m living. 

"The place I´m living in", and nothing more. Just not a home. 

Normal kids are happy to be home after school but every time I come back here it feels like shit.

How does a home feel like? I don´t know.

Wondering whether I ever knew this feeling. 

As long as I remember myself I never felt well at where I´ve been . Ever.

Parents

Heya, 

so today everyone was like "hey, Kitty, make some warm sandwiches" and I didn´t even fucking mind since I´m on my holidays and have nothing else to do. (Not even sorry for starting off by cursing, I´m damn fucking mad, kay). Then the person who´s called "biological mother" requested some tea and I turned on the kettle. Do you guys know these Brita water filters? (look: http://images.ethicalsuperstore.com/images/80480%20-%20Marella%20CoolWater%20Filter%20Jug%20White.jpg ) so I boiled a little more water into the kettle because I thought there wasn´t enough for 2 cups. While that the sandwich-maker was still busy with my bro´s sandwiches. DURING the boiling of water the top part, the lid of the filter fell off and created a huge mess, water was all over the connector which connected the microwave, kettle and sandwich-maker. So yah, our whole electricity went down. I yelled through the whole fucking apartment for help because, HELLA, everyone knows what happens when electricity meets water!

Very long story shorter: everyone yelled at everyone first, then I found out the lid actually BROKE OFF, my parents said it´s my fault and said I did it on purpose just like I always do and everything I do turns out shit anyway and that I´m a disappointment, then all of the sudden it was my brothers fault as well even though NO ONE was at the kitchen at the time I´ve been there, then the discussion somehow got to paying for the apartment and all the fine things like that and my mum tried to beat me up. Held that hoe´s arms and she slapped me anyway. I bet she´ll complain about arm pain for the next days. Warned you, slut. Told you to NOT fucking touch me. I have strong hands and a little bonus called nails. If you´re in pain, good. Hope it hurts for an extra long time.

TO SUM IT UP A LITTLE BETTER: there´s no fucking sense of discussing with my parents because they don´t accept their failure and when they notice they´re very wrong they try to slap you.

A little part of the convo:
"Me: the lid fucking broke off and this could happen to you as well but it happened to me, so don´t blame me!

Dad: Your life is damn broken and that only can happen to idiots like you!!"

Hope you now know what I have to deal with every day.

I could cry because the way they treat me is unfair but I also could cry laughing about the stupidity going out from their side. 

It´s hilarious because these people are the ones who should raise me, I was raised by my granddad and right now I´m damn fucking happy that he´s dead and can´t see the shit going on here.

Thank you, granddad, thank you, grandma. I´m on the fair side of life.

iScar

There's a scar on my right eyelid.
Its birthday is june 28th 2011 and there are 2 stories about it.
Story A: My dressers door was open, I wanted to pick up a sock, overseen the door, banged it with my head, boom, eyelid cracked open.
Story B: I took too many pills, was tired at almost midnight, found a blade, thought it was attractive, cut my wrist open, passed out and while falling down cut my eyelid open with the blade. Woke up in cold sweat, gittering and covered in blood, told myself it's all just a hallucination, cleaned the bathroom, realized the eyelid opens up and I can look at my own flesh, woke parents up, was driven to the hospital to get 3 stitches.


Both stories are known, one to my family and the doctors, one to my friends.