Random letter to myself

Found a letter to myself from myself in our cellar. 

It´s basically a list of the most random things and the title says "so okay, i´ll just write my current thoughts down here". 7th grade. Mars bless me, I was about 12-13.  At that age I thought I´d live untill I´m 16 max. Now I´m turning 18 this year and holy mother of failure, my 12 year old me would yell at me for still being on this planet because hell no, life still does as much sense as back then when I was little, means: NONE.

I´ll just write down the list here:

"• I hate the world

• I can´t love
• I don´t have any friends

• I´m never having a mood

• I´ll die without music

• I love Jared Leto and his band

• I love Strify and his band

• I hate unfairness and I hate when my parents say no

• I hate age limits

• I hate the world because it´s only living through money

• I hate the world because it hates me

• Many people are using me for money, for their own reputation and just to make me feel worse

It´s so unfair, my parents won´t let me go on a 30 Seconds To Mars concert and they don´t buy me a guitar!

HELP ME!!!"

I´ll comment on every single sentense now, but a little summed up:

5 years passed from that letter, I used to be in an endless depression before my granddad died and from the moment he died I lost all human feelings like love. The only actual feeling that remained was hate, but the amount of it, the way my hate happened and what it ment to me was not human. People could´t stand me for being mad about everything, being sad about every single happy thing around, being jealous about how they could just live without any kind of trouble. They enjoyed their first teenage years while I´ve been at that point of life where I moved 5 times, lost a person who raised me, was out of touch with people who used to be around me such as friends and family. I used to blog a lot back then. I also used to take shit-loads of pills and swallowed them down with alcohol. I was 13. At 13 normal people are supposed to care about clothes, friendships, family. I was fixed at forgetting everything. I believe age 13 was the beginning of a new era to me. I started cutting, I tried to kill myself for the very first time. Age 13 was when I discovered pain actually can be fun. Self-harm was my new hobby. 

I fell in love with Jared Leto, now he´s my idol, my role-model. 30 Seconds To Mars aren´t Jared, Shannon, Tomo and Matt anymore. The band is minus Matt and it´s a thing for itself. It´s not just Jared. The band, THE WHOLE BAND, means a lot to me. I´ve never been at their concerts and I´m scared to be at one. Every single bad happening in my life was followed by their music. Their music used to be air to me. They literally unblocked my lungs so I could start  breathing. I think that when we visited my granddad´s grave "Oblivion" was playing. My brother yelled at me so I´d take my earphones out. I did. But the memory is still there. I´m scared. I´m scared to be thrown back to what I felt years ago and I don´t want to go back.

Strify, the lead-singer of Cinema Bizarre, huge thanks to your hair cut! I´d never ever cut my bangs if you wouldn´t be there.
Now I proudly can say that I prefer having a few REAL friends than just random people being nice to me. I´m a shit person, people who can´t handle my amount of hate and the way I don´t give a shit about stuff...BURN IN HEAVEN, BECAUSE HELL IS WHERE I`M AT :D

Money doesn´t mean as much to me as back then. Age limits actually are good. Back then I wanted to buy more alcohol, maybe cigarettes, who knows, I used to smoke for fun or for the pain my lungs gave me. I don´t know. You shouldn´t smoke age 13. Na-ah. Don´t do that.

I own a guitar since i´m about 14. I never play.

Message to my younger self: You should have killed yourself back then but you´d miss out having the bestest friends on earth supporting every step of yours. You´d also miss out having an iPhone 3G S named Zooey and an iPhone 4S named Brian. And an iMac named Andrew. And Monster Energy drinks. And you´d never see the last part of Harry Potter. And you´d never know about Breathe Carolina, about the new 30STM album, about the things happening here. I swear to mars, if I´d ever meet you I´d cry because your life fucking sucks. I won´t promise you that life will be amazing, it will get better, it will never be awesome but it will be okay. You can handle it. People will keep on hating, you´ll keep on not giving a fuck. You´ll still pick the weirdest people to be your friends because they´re the best. That one blonde chick, you´ll fight with her all the time but there´s no fucking knife that can cut your friendship apart. You´ll meet an amazing person on last.fm, she´ll be your best girlfriend, you´ll write her every day and stuff will never get boring. And the guy from your chemistry and english classes, the silent one, you´ll get to know him better on your last month of school. He´ll be your best friend as well. If you´ll go now, you´ll miss out all of that.