2012 in a short while

And once again...There is this time of the year where nothing basically changes..Everything is the same..At least it seems the same...

I begin my year by hoping for good grades in school. I fail. I know I was too lazy. I plan to get better. But then...Lazyness the mother of our souls in cages comes back from a short trip from the NON reality. Reality meets my lazy brain and it all starts from the beginning. All the procrastination appears. All the tumblr, twitter, facebook addictions. All the shit that seems to be more fun than the following years of my life which are controlled by those bad grades I get in school.

Then summer pops up. The time of the year where I don´t have to see all the pretty ugly faces of people I hate or pretend to like. The faces of people I´ve seen almost every day. Because I had to. Because I couldn´t just skip it. Because it´s life. Life´s like that. Life´s a bitch.

Then in fall and winter I totally fall asleep in my depression. I mess up relationships of any kind. Friends become enemies. Enemies who didn´t know they´re on my blacklist realize what they mean to me. Bullying joins every following minute, hour, day, week of my so called "life". I hurt my body just to know I´m still alive. When I find out I´m alive, I feel fucking sad and worthless. Why. Am. I. Still. Here.

People leave me. I´m staying there alone. Because it´s better than hurting people every time I´m down which is daily. I kind of enjoy the whole process.

This year was different. I thought it would be the best year from the last 5. I was wrong. 

This time grades were more than important. I failed. Of course.

I was lazy. I am lazy. I will stay lazy. Shame on me.

I didn´t stay at the same school this year. I left. Others left, too. No coming back. No same people. 

No more people I hate. That´s what I thought. But hey, NOOO, they also joined the same school as I. Cool stuff, huh? I still hate you. All of you. So fucking much. All the things you´ve done. I don´t even know what you´ve done, you just disgust me.

People I actually liked dissapointed me.

I hate the human race anyway, but hey, still. You can do better but you don´t even try to change.

Never seen so many ugly personalities around me. All of them at the same place as I´m at. You say it´s fate? I say it´s hell on earth with all the monsters.

Last year I´d totally cry over people leaving me, but year after year after year it just feels/seems/looks stupid and not necessary. Noone´s worth it. I show a lot of hate. I show a lot of fear. But I don´t feel like I should be sorry for something.

If I fucked up a person I tell myself, that we´re over 6 BILLIONS and death of 1 person doesn´t matter. 

Careless. Lock all the positivity behind a heavy door in a tiny room so it would die in lonelyness and claustrophobia. 

Cuts

I´m a cutter for about 5 years now.
My parents saw some fresh cuts on me about half a year ago.
A helping website said: "when parents see their kids hurting themselves, it hurts them as well". 
The first thing my parents said when they saw the cuts was "What the hell are you doing? Aren´t we giving you enough money?"


So much for selfishness, so much for loving parents. 


The only thing they´re interested in seems to be how to raise me the cheapest way. Thank you.

My mum

"Why don´t you talk to me about your life?"
Mum, I don´t have a life because you take every single tiny piece of it away.
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
Yeah, mum, of course, I´m home 24/7 and when I´m out, I´m in school. I of course have a boyfriend who I know from a party I was at a short while ago. Oh wait. This "short while" thingy was 4 years ago when it was the first and the last time I went out to party.
"Who´s this?"
None of your business.
"Why?!? TELL ME ASAP!!"
Fist you fucking shut up. If I would tell you things, you would make up stories that can never be true in anyone´s lifes and then they will all be my fault, the reason won´t even matter.


I hate my parents. First they ask what´s going on, then they make up shit, then they don´t care and say I´m an idiot. Some might say they care much and want to protect me from danger, but I say they fucking care too much and protect me from life.
I´m fucking 17. Never going out. I can count my "friends" with the half of ONE hand.
I remember when age 14 people asked me out every week. Now they don´t even try and the only invitations are the ones coming from the facebook massive add option. If they remember to click on my name. 
It´s always either too late, too dark, too dangerous, too many rapists outside or I´m too young.


I´m soon to be 18. Too young.
I have rights to go out untill midnight. Too late.
I have a light installed on my bike. Too dark.
I have an older brother who I fought with for all my life. Too dangerous.
I´m ugly and fat, who the fuck wants to rape me? Too many rapists.


CLEAN YOUR FUCKING BRAINS AND DELETE ALL OF THE INFORMATION.


Because I don´t go out, I don´t even fucking know how to talk to people and this is why I push them away, because if they will ask me out to party, the only thing I can tell them is "I´m not allowed to go". Everyone around doesn´t know me, the ones who do, think I´m retarded and unsocial. I`D LOVE to talk to all of you out there, but I´m in prison for all my life!!

Dreams

I won´t talk about dreams in general
I will talk about my dreams
I used to dream one dream for about 6 years on the same day every year. It was about me, my brother, my grandma and her sister (my aunt) walking on a path. I somehow had a bike. Left to the path: a forest, right to the path: a muddy river. The path actually was higher than the river. I tripped and fell with the bike, then landed in the river and drowned. Nobody payed attention to me. They walked away like nothing happened.
I still can NOT swim. I´m totally scared of water where I can move free in. 
When I first had that dream I was about 4 or 5 years old. When it stopped I was 11 and we moved.
Sometimes I´ve had it 5 days a week for a month. Couldn´t sleep. Sometimes I´ve been waiting for it every year. It never appeared again. 


Then it got worse. I´ve been dying in every single of my dreams. Sometimes I fell from a skyscraper, sometimes I got shot, sometimes I killed myself by cutting my veins, shooting myself, setting myself on fire, etc. The scariest dream I´ve had so far was a man all covered in black jumping from a closet behind me and stabbing my back with a huge shiny knife/cutting my throat/ stabbing my heart. I don´t know why I´m so scared of that but it probably is a warning sign for people who will dissapoint me. I have that dream quite often. People dissapoint me quite often.


When I dream of people I know, something bad happens to them. I warn my friends when I dream about them. Even if it´s just their face for a second, something gonna happen.
The worst thing that happened was death. The best was crazy traffic.


I love sleeping in, I love sleeping carefree but mostly it´s impossible.

9.11.

I actually found my classrooms today, talked to people I normally don´t talk to, told ´em who I hate and what I hate and now they probably think I´m crazy.
OMG being crazy is such a big problem and totally...absolutely...not like I´m living with it for my ENTIRE life. And I really really care about my reputation so it´s a big deal for me to mess up relation ships...
BWAHAHAHAHAHAH gosh I need to shut the fuck up


Life comes and goes
Who cares about how it works out for you
One day you´re here, the next you´re dead and gone
6 billion people are living at THIS moment, do you really worry about how their life is going? 
You´re only living for a moment. You only live once. 
Mess your life up. Fix it at the points you think it´s needed. Burn someone´s souls down. Destroy minds. Ruin relation ships. Build relation ships. Dream.
Mistakes are not a problem nowadays. 
Made one? MOVE. Change your fucking town. 
BE SOMEONE ELSE BUT STAY YOURSELF

Lost

My friend S. is sick and her friend pretends to be sick every now and then because she´s too lazy for school
So my day without those bitches went like:
"ahhhhh guys? guys...can I join your little group? I don´t have any friends and I need people around me :/"
Had the chance to talk to people in my class
Had the chance to talk about twitter and I talked a fucking lot, and I talked so fucking much, the first thing I did when I got back home was changing my twitter name and picture LOL
YAYA I´m a fail and I don´t feel like my twitter picture is secure so I will change it again before I wander to sleep...which is...NOW.
night.


without both of those hoes I don´t even fucking know where I´m supposed to go in the early morning, which entry should I take? which classroom are we in? what teacher is teaching us what?


Kill me. Seriously.


TWITTER PIC UPDATED. I feel save lol

Breathe Carolina

Omg you guys
If you don´t know Breathe Carolina....go listen to them!!!
Might sound cheesy or gay to some but wtf is wrong with you!?
IT`S BREATHE CAROLINA!!!
Their "Hell Is What You Make It" album is amaaaazing as fuck and my last.fm says I listened to their songs over 900 times in the last 7 days....
GO CHECK ´EM OUT!!!

Nails

Yo guys and girls
Less of the guys but more of the girls (mostly glamour bitches) know how I feel now...
Cutten my fucking nails off and I feel soooo good typing like a fast hardcore bitch without any pain (yes, it actually is possible to type so it hurts)


Wrote a chemistry exam today..GUESS WHO SUUUUCKED!? me me me
I always am fucking high after writing exams and feeling the failure


I´m so pissed right now...GGGAAAAAAAH because of:
Bad habits: 
Drinking a litre of juice
Being bored as fuck
Painting nails (after drinking a bottle of juice)
AND THEN WAITING FOR THE NAIL POLISH TO DRY BECAUSE I WANNA PEE

D´ya know the iPhone needle?

So do you know the iPhone needle?
iPhone people know what I mean, I just don´t know how to call it and call it needle because it´s shiny and metal..It´s the thing you open your sim-card "entry" (gah let´s call it entry, I´m not as good at explaining as I thought) 
When I was in Russia a couple of months ago I put it in my wallet so I won´t lose it on the trip...Then I was about to put it out to use it and BOOM the needle hit the skin under my nail and because of horrible pain I just paniced and it flew away somewhere. We couldn´t find it for the 2 weeks we´ve been there. I was looking for it. My mum was looking for it. Even my gramma was looking for it. My brother who came over was looking for it, his wife, his little kid and his mom. Noone found it.
Guess where the fuck I´ve found it at?
THE DUCKIN´FUCKIN´ WALLET
D´you know the area of your wallet where you put your credit cards etc in? It´s where it´s been on the trip. D´you know where it was after?? In the area where "the big fat paper money" goes. I´ve been using that wallet EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY, I´ve been using it intense, I mean, I´ve been buying stuff CONSTANTLY, I almost always carried paper money with me. And the place where the needle was had a hole in it because my wallet rules like that and that needle could EASILY fall out of it so long ago. BUT NO. I haven´t seen it there for 2-3 fucking months and all I can say is: 
IT`S FUCKING MAGIC!!!!

WE WON 2 AWARDS!!!

WHAZZUUUUUB ECHELON BITCHEZZ?????
WE.WON.2. AWARDS!!!
BEST ALTERNATIVE
BEST WORLD STAGE
FUCK YEAH!!!!

Tomo looks like a homeless person
Shannon looks high and he´s wearing a skirt
Jared looks like a casual bitch waiting for business


THIS IS MARS

Excited

The EMA red carpet is about to start OMG I´m soooo excited 
SO SO SO damn excited to see 30 Seconds To Mars win
I don´t even care about the rest of the bands (Oh hell yeah, I´m so curious about all of them)
I know Gaga will win many awards, butt fuck her, MARS FTW!
GGGAAAAAAAHHH SO HAPPY

LOVE DOESN`T EXIST

My parents never cared about me. My brother was perfect, I was trash. Always.
It was like "Your brother will get everything while you´ll stand in the background, watch him being happy, watch him laughing at you, watch us being proud of him. And then you´ll watch us yelling at you, beating you, treating you like shit because you did a mistake".


My grandparents raised me. Mainly my grand-dad. He was always there for me. Gave me hope, power, everything I needed.


Then we moved when I was 11. Nobody cared about how I felt like. People at school didn´t accept me because I didn´t speak the language well. Then I changed my school. All of the people seemed to be the same. Selfish.


My grand-dad died when I was 13. All the hopes I´ve had, all the love I ever felt, all the trust in people was burried with him at once.


I don´t hope for a better life. I know it´ll always be shit.
I can not trust people. I don´t even trust my friends.

If someone will tell me, they love me, I´ll push them away because I´m too scared to lose again. I´m so scared, I don´t let myself feel love. Just to protect myself from all the pain.

A whoever without a life

Every single friend of mine is a piece of shit 

Every single guy friend is a potential fucker

Every single person wants my money

That´s what my parents say

I´m not allowed to go out when it´s dark

You know what that means for me in winter?

It´s dark outside when I´m back from school

No chance to get out

When it´s light out, my parents call me and want me to be at home. Time doesn´t matter. What I´m doing doesn´t matter either. Who I´m with? Noone cares. Even if they know them.

No parties

They want me to have a boyfriend

I have to wash the floors, serve them food, clean shit, make my bro food

(If you´re one of those smart fuckers who love their lives, get the fuck out of my blog don´t teach me how to live)

It´s not like my parents care about me. It´s more like they don´t want to care about anything. So they just lock me up so they don´t have to figure out the shit I´m doing. No extra worries, huh, mum and dad? WHY THE FUCK have children when you don´t let them live? Dad didn´t want me. Mum did. Now guess who hates me more.

I don´t have many friends. I can count them with a half of my hand. They´re the ones I know from school. See how I communicate with people out of my school? Yes, not at all.

I´m at that point of life where I don´t have a life. I just don´t care about anything and anyone anymore because through that "living behind a fence/living in jail" I feel like I don´t need a thing.

Thanks for my parent´s support.

I don´t even know who I am.

I´m a whoever

I don´t think I´m someone important
I´m the invisible one
The one who is known by nobody
While growing up my family told me I´m a noone
Kept it in my mind. Forever
No rights. No own opinion. No power. 


Yup, it´s me.

Blog nr. whatever

This is blog nr. 8 or 9
I don´t even know how many blogs I´ve started


The ones about life? Noone went though them. The ones who did said that they´re depressing.
The ones about music? People had the need to discuss about whose taste in music is better. It´s just ridiculous.
The ones about positivity? I fucking deleted them myself because they were too fake.
Beauty shit? I´ll keep ´em both. I like them myself.


My memory is like filtered coffee. Memories come, go through the roots, first I remember them, then they´re gone and I also throw the roots away. If you know what I mean. So I started a daily blog. Forced myself to write every day. It lasted me for 3 months. Then I forgot to write. I don´t write there for about 8 months now. 


THIS is just another blog. My brain will probably be here for the following time.

This is blog nr. whatever
I´m a whoever
A whoever without a life
A life full of experience
Experience full of pain
Pain from ignorance
Ignorance from people who´re supposed to be loved by one
LOVE DOESN`T EXIST


You say "In god we trust"? In noone we trust. 


I´m Kitty and welcome to my fucked up life.