I begin my year by hoping for good grades in school. I fail. I know I was too lazy. I plan to get better. But then...Lazyness the mother of our souls in cages comes back from a short trip from the NON reality. Reality meets my lazy brain and it all starts from the beginning. All the procrastination appears. All the tumblr, twitter, facebook addictions. All the shit that seems to be more fun than the following years of my life which are controlled by those bad grades I get in school.
Then summer pops up. The time of the year where I don´t have to see all the pretty ugly faces of people I hate or pretend to like. The faces of people I´ve seen almost every day. Because I had to. Because I couldn´t just skip it. Because it´s life. Life´s like that. Life´s a bitch.
Then in fall and winter I totally fall asleep in my depression. I mess up relationships of any kind. Friends become enemies. Enemies who didn´t know they´re on my blacklist realize what they mean to me. Bullying joins every following minute, hour, day, week of my so called "life". I hurt my body just to know I´m still alive. When I find out I´m alive, I feel fucking sad and worthless. Why. Am. I. Still. Here.
People leave me. I´m staying there alone. Because it´s better than hurting people every time I´m down which is daily. I kind of enjoy the whole process.
This year was different. I thought it would be the best year from the last 5. I was wrong.
This time grades were more than important. I failed. Of course.
I was lazy. I am lazy. I will stay lazy. Shame on me.
I didn´t stay at the same school this year. I left. Others left, too. No coming back. No same people.
No more people I hate. That´s what I thought. But hey, NOOO, they also joined the same school as I. Cool stuff, huh? I still hate you. All of you. So fucking much. All the things you´ve done. I don´t even know what you´ve done, you just disgust me.
People I actually liked dissapointed me.
I hate the human race anyway, but hey, still. You can do better but you don´t even try to change.
Never seen so many ugly personalities around me. All of them at the same place as I´m at. You say it´s fate? I say it´s hell on earth with all the monsters.
Last year I´d totally cry over people leaving me, but year after year after year it just feels/seems/looks stupid and not necessary. Noone´s worth it. I show a lot of hate. I show a lot of fear. But I don´t feel like I should be sorry for something.
If I fucked up a person I tell myself, that we´re over 6 BILLIONS and death of 1 person doesn´t matter.
Careless. Lock all the positivity behind a heavy door in a tiny room so it would die in lonelyness and claustrophobia.
