No go.

"Remember you´ll hurt people around you by committing suicide. They won´t go a day without thinking of you and it will kill them with sadness." Just read one of those texts and asked myself whether it can get worse, more stupid and more senseless.
Excuse me, but:
REMEMBER THAT THE PEOPLE AROUND ME ARE THE REASON I DON´T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE. THEY BULLY, THEY SAY THINGS WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT WHAT THEY DO TO ME AND THEN IT´S ME WHO SHOULD CARE ABOUT HOW THEIR OWN STUPIDITY AND MISTAKES MAKE THEM FEEL BAD BECAUSE THEY KILLED ME?
I don´t see any sense in that. The only message I can read here is: "Be sorry for everyones mistakes because it´s all your fault."
Makes me feel sick. I imagine the person who wrote that actually "killed" someone and now doesn´t want to accept it´s his/her fault so he/she tells everyone it´s the suicide commiters mistake and there´s nothing wrong with ones self. 
It´s just fucking wrong and sad.

3:AM thoughts

When people ask me what I want in life I don´t know what to answer, to be honest, I don´t want anything anymore. 
I gave up on life age 13. 5 years passed. 
Do you think I can actually shake myself and say "Everything´s alright. Life´s good!" without knowing I´m lying to myself? No. I´d feel bad. 
I´d feel really shit lying to myself about a "good life" after all the suicide attempts and downs. 
I know it´s never been perfect. Never expected it to be. It´s never going to be what we want it to be. It´s what it is and there´s nothing to do about that.
I don´t want to go to college anymore. I don´t want to work.
I know I´ll never be able to have a career. Why do I have to work on it then?
I wake up depressed day after day for my whole life.
What is it all for? I´ll die young and lonely anyway.

Death

Death is a peaceful feeling.

You start shaking.

Your body cools down.

Everything you see turns white.

You feel your blood floating slowly in every part of your body.

You hear your heartbeat panic.

You hear every noise around you very clearly.

You get the feeling of release.

You just let go and feel free.

The worst feeling is to wake up after that peaceful happening. You wake up, still shaking like crazy, not seeing a thing because everything is still white, you´re covered in ice-cold sweat and feel the blood rushing and burning through your body like fire. You have no clue whether you should try harder for the release or should continue living with pain.

People

There are two types of people: The creators and the destroyers.
As a creator you create angels.
As a destroyer you  destroy these angels and have the power to create demons.


Once you´re a demon there´s no way out. 


Evil wins. MUHAHAHAHAHA.

Home

I can´t remember the last time I felt like I´m home. The last time I felt good at the place I´m living. 

"The place I´m living in", and nothing more. Just not a home. 

Normal kids are happy to be home after school but every time I come back here it feels like shit.

How does a home feel like? I don´t know.

Wondering whether I ever knew this feeling. 

As long as I remember myself I never felt well at where I´ve been . Ever.

Parents

Heya, 

so today everyone was like "hey, Kitty, make some warm sandwiches" and I didn´t even fucking mind since I´m on my holidays and have nothing else to do. (Not even sorry for starting off by cursing, I´m damn fucking mad, kay). Then the person who´s called "biological mother" requested some tea and I turned on the kettle. Do you guys know these Brita water filters? (look: http://images.ethicalsuperstore.com/images/80480%20-%20Marella%20CoolWater%20Filter%20Jug%20White.jpg ) so I boiled a little more water into the kettle because I thought there wasn´t enough for 2 cups. While that the sandwich-maker was still busy with my bro´s sandwiches. DURING the boiling of water the top part, the lid of the filter fell off and created a huge mess, water was all over the connector which connected the microwave, kettle and sandwich-maker. So yah, our whole electricity went down. I yelled through the whole fucking apartment for help because, HELLA, everyone knows what happens when electricity meets water!

Very long story shorter: everyone yelled at everyone first, then I found out the lid actually BROKE OFF, my parents said it´s my fault and said I did it on purpose just like I always do and everything I do turns out shit anyway and that I´m a disappointment, then all of the sudden it was my brothers fault as well even though NO ONE was at the kitchen at the time I´ve been there, then the discussion somehow got to paying for the apartment and all the fine things like that and my mum tried to beat me up. Held that hoe´s arms and she slapped me anyway. I bet she´ll complain about arm pain for the next days. Warned you, slut. Told you to NOT fucking touch me. I have strong hands and a little bonus called nails. If you´re in pain, good. Hope it hurts for an extra long time.

TO SUM IT UP A LITTLE BETTER: there´s no fucking sense of discussing with my parents because they don´t accept their failure and when they notice they´re very wrong they try to slap you.

A little part of the convo:
"Me: the lid fucking broke off and this could happen to you as well but it happened to me, so don´t blame me!

Dad: Your life is damn broken and that only can happen to idiots like you!!"

Hope you now know what I have to deal with every day.

I could cry because the way they treat me is unfair but I also could cry laughing about the stupidity going out from their side. 

It´s hilarious because these people are the ones who should raise me, I was raised by my granddad and right now I´m damn fucking happy that he´s dead and can´t see the shit going on here.

Thank you, granddad, thank you, grandma. I´m on the fair side of life.

iScar

There's a scar on my right eyelid.
Its birthday is june 28th 2011 and there are 2 stories about it.
Story A: My dressers door was open, I wanted to pick up a sock, overseen the door, banged it with my head, boom, eyelid cracked open.
Story B: I took too many pills, was tired at almost midnight, found a blade, thought it was attractive, cut my wrist open, passed out and while falling down cut my eyelid open with the blade. Woke up in cold sweat, gittering and covered in blood, told myself it's all just a hallucination, cleaned the bathroom, realized the eyelid opens up and I can look at my own flesh, woke parents up, was driven to the hospital to get 3 stitches.


Both stories are known, one to my family and the doctors, one to my friends.

5 reasons why I love selfish people

1. They get everything done on their own without asking for help and can stand for themselves
2. They don't ask you to share your food and they don't share theirs either
3. While having problems with their phone connection or internet access they wait and don't ask for your gadgets
4. When a friendship is over then IT'S FUCKING OVER and they don't discuss and beg for a second chance because they're too proud. Lost them once? Will never get them back again
5. They're mostly honest and say their opinion out loud, no matter if it's offending or not, they don't care about it


I FUCKING LOVE SELFISH PEOPLE

Teenage mags

I´d love writing for teenage magazines because I´m totally enjoying the whole blog-like thing when I know what to write about.
I think that magazines give you one keyword and you have to write everything what´s on your mind when you think of it and erm yeah..the best text wins and enters the magazine? Maybe? I hope so. One writer would be boring.
I´d enjoy it so damn much!
I mean hella, where else do you get the chance to just chill chill chill when you´re full of fantasy, are allowed to use the internet and don´t have to face real-life people? Duuh.


LOVE the idea of this whole crap.


No one probably cares so cheers!

So much for a best friend

The only thing I request in friendships is HONESTY.
Write it on your fucking forehead, HONESTY. Simple as that.
I don´t request understanding me because I know no one will ever understand me completely.
If I ask for your opinion after mentioning mine I don´t want you to agree. I want you to discuss, I´m waiting for your HONEST opinion no matter how rough it will sound, if it will hurt me or not. Fuck that. 
JUST BE HONEST, OKAY?


You failed once? I forgave you. You failed twice? Fuck you, get out of my life and forget we´ve ever been friends. Don´t expect me to forgive you once more. You can tell me "I´m sorry" as many times as you want, I´ll ignore because I DON´T FORGIVE MORE THAN ONCE if I forgive.


Yes, I´ll still keep you in my list of friends on facebook but as everyone knows, facebook friendships don´t mean a shit.
I´ll post daily, normal, random, funny and sad stuff to let you know you don´t affect a shit in my life. I´ll not cry over you because there´s no fucking need for that. No reason to be sad.

It´s just the normal process of getting rid of shit I don´t need.

Random letter to myself

Found a letter to myself from myself in our cellar. 

It´s basically a list of the most random things and the title says "so okay, i´ll just write my current thoughts down here". 7th grade. Mars bless me, I was about 12-13.  At that age I thought I´d live untill I´m 16 max. Now I´m turning 18 this year and holy mother of failure, my 12 year old me would yell at me for still being on this planet because hell no, life still does as much sense as back then when I was little, means: NONE.

I´ll just write down the list here:

"• I hate the world

• I can´t love
• I don´t have any friends

• I´m never having a mood

• I´ll die without music

• I love Jared Leto and his band

• I love Strify and his band

• I hate unfairness and I hate when my parents say no

• I hate age limits

• I hate the world because it´s only living through money

• I hate the world because it hates me

• Many people are using me for money, for their own reputation and just to make me feel worse

It´s so unfair, my parents won´t let me go on a 30 Seconds To Mars concert and they don´t buy me a guitar!

HELP ME!!!"

I´ll comment on every single sentense now, but a little summed up:

5 years passed from that letter, I used to be in an endless depression before my granddad died and from the moment he died I lost all human feelings like love. The only actual feeling that remained was hate, but the amount of it, the way my hate happened and what it ment to me was not human. People could´t stand me for being mad about everything, being sad about every single happy thing around, being jealous about how they could just live without any kind of trouble. They enjoyed their first teenage years while I´ve been at that point of life where I moved 5 times, lost a person who raised me, was out of touch with people who used to be around me such as friends and family. I used to blog a lot back then. I also used to take shit-loads of pills and swallowed them down with alcohol. I was 13. At 13 normal people are supposed to care about clothes, friendships, family. I was fixed at forgetting everything. I believe age 13 was the beginning of a new era to me. I started cutting, I tried to kill myself for the very first time. Age 13 was when I discovered pain actually can be fun. Self-harm was my new hobby. 

I fell in love with Jared Leto, now he´s my idol, my role-model. 30 Seconds To Mars aren´t Jared, Shannon, Tomo and Matt anymore. The band is minus Matt and it´s a thing for itself. It´s not just Jared. The band, THE WHOLE BAND, means a lot to me. I´ve never been at their concerts and I´m scared to be at one. Every single bad happening in my life was followed by their music. Their music used to be air to me. They literally unblocked my lungs so I could start  breathing. I think that when we visited my granddad´s grave "Oblivion" was playing. My brother yelled at me so I´d take my earphones out. I did. But the memory is still there. I´m scared. I´m scared to be thrown back to what I felt years ago and I don´t want to go back.

Strify, the lead-singer of Cinema Bizarre, huge thanks to your hair cut! I´d never ever cut my bangs if you wouldn´t be there.
Now I proudly can say that I prefer having a few REAL friends than just random people being nice to me. I´m a shit person, people who can´t handle my amount of hate and the way I don´t give a shit about stuff...BURN IN HEAVEN, BECAUSE HELL IS WHERE I`M AT :D

Money doesn´t mean as much to me as back then. Age limits actually are good. Back then I wanted to buy more alcohol, maybe cigarettes, who knows, I used to smoke for fun or for the pain my lungs gave me. I don´t know. You shouldn´t smoke age 13. Na-ah. Don´t do that.

I own a guitar since i´m about 14. I never play.

Message to my younger self: You should have killed yourself back then but you´d miss out having the bestest friends on earth supporting every step of yours. You´d also miss out having an iPhone 3G S named Zooey and an iPhone 4S named Brian. And an iMac named Andrew. And Monster Energy drinks. And you´d never see the last part of Harry Potter. And you´d never know about Breathe Carolina, about the new 30STM album, about the things happening here. I swear to mars, if I´d ever meet you I´d cry because your life fucking sucks. I won´t promise you that life will be amazing, it will get better, it will never be awesome but it will be okay. You can handle it. People will keep on hating, you´ll keep on not giving a fuck. You´ll still pick the weirdest people to be your friends because they´re the best. That one blonde chick, you´ll fight with her all the time but there´s no fucking knife that can cut your friendship apart. You´ll meet an amazing person on last.fm, she´ll be your best girlfriend, you´ll write her every day and stuff will never get boring. And the guy from your chemistry and english classes, the silent one, you´ll get to know him better on your last month of school. He´ll be your best friend as well. If you´ll go now, you´ll miss out all of that. 

Clothes

I think that clothes are a little bit overrated nowadays.

People only judge you on your looks instead of getting to know you first. 

If you dress good it doesn´t mean you´re a good person.

If you dress bad it doesn´t mean you´re a bad person.

There actually is no "good" and "bad" in clothing. Your own style stays your own style no matter what you´re wearing.

There will always be people who´ll judge your style. Everyone has their own taste in clothing, everyone´s unique. 

Clothes are like music, some like this, some like that, but they all love it in general.

Remember, no matter what you´re wearing, if you´re happy everyone around you will catch the happyness. If you ever get the feeling of not fitting in: the only thing leading you forward is what´s inside of you, not what´s covering you.

I know so many people who only care about what others see when they look at them but don´t care enough about what people see when they look through them and trust me, they end up having no friends or gather together into a group of soulless people no one really needs. They hope for us, real people, to think they´re all friends but they actually are in a fight of who´s the biggest fake. Sorry, but who needs that fuck?

Dress to dress and not to impress.

"Aw mah gawd ahm sahw professionaal"

Do you know any of those bitches with rich parents who get a professional camera just so, because they can? Yah...
If their photos are good: cool for ya bro, not a waste of money.
If their photos are shit: PLEASE, JUST SELL IT AND GET OTHER SHIT FOR THE SAME MONEY BECAUSE YOUR PHOTOGRAPHY HURTS MY EYES!
And then they send you photos and ask you what you think and your first question is "what´s that?" because you can´t recognize what´s on them. Then they tell you it´s their cat and the only thing you saw was a piece of pure crap and you´re like "eeerm it´s blurry" instead of saying "WTF!? HAVE YOU RAPED YOUR CAMERA WHILE SHOOTING!?". 
And then after reading your "blurry" comment they write "I know, right? Everyone says that! This is why I need a new lens!". My reaction to that always is FACEPALM. 
I touched your camera, I shot photos with it, they were fabulous, I´m not rich to afford one myself but your camera is heaven to me. IT`S NOT YOUR CAMERA´s FAULT THAT YOU HAVE NO TALENT IN PHOTOGRAPHY! THE NEW LENS WON`T GIVE YOU ANY SKILLS!


GRRRR.....Yeah I´m mad. Just fucking mad.

Bi

Mostly people are bi-sexual because they like both sexes.


For me it´s a little bit different.


PEOPLE disappointed me so much, I hate every single of them and I don´t care whether they have a penis or a vagina. Human? Hate you.


When I think of love the only actual thing on my mind is "fuck ´n drop"

Music

Music is the religion gods payed for to keep people entertained ©

NVM

While I´m ignoring the left side, people from the right side are ignoring me © 


You are on the left.
I´m ignoring you.
You´re worthless to me.
You look up to me.


You are on the right.
You are like a god to me, I look up to you.
You´re ignoring me because I´m just a person from the left.

Cutting

I have a "tiny" problem with cutting.
I wish all of you ugly people out there could feel what I feel after cutting. The awesome feeling of freedom and peace. Happyness for a while. Satisfaction.
All the pain inside is neutralized by the pain outside.
The moment a blade smoothly cuts skin..Mmmm...The moment blood is all over...Mmm...The process of the "wound" becoming a scar...Mmm
Non cutters, you´ll tell us it´s sick and we need help but you will never know how ALIVE we feel after doing so. After doing sick things to ourselves. After doing things that society dislikes.

Atheist

I don´t believe in shit.

I don´t know where all the living creatures on earth came from but the ones who give "god", their imaginary friend, the fault for that know it less than I do.

How could "god" create and shape people if our ancestors were monkeys? Damn they must have been damn hairy...

I don´t know what jesus or whoever smoked or consumed when he wrote the bible that he could see angels talking to him. That´s just impossible.

I think "virgin" Mary was a whore who fucked everyone around her and because people were very stupid they believed in wonders back then. Joseph (whatever) thought his wife is pregnant with "god´s" child. Wow. Seriously?

Jesus was high all the time and had great imagination skills, did shit with his friends, got high with them and wrote all those lion sheep stories. Super gay and super over done. His friends probably were nailed on crosses and died while jesus got lost somewhere on his way to get more weed so he could write a story about his rising from the dead lol

As mentioned, people believed in wonders and believed jesus. He was a hero and that story got all over his town etc etc (he probably offered weed to the ones who spread it?). From then on people believed in shitty stories :D

Churches are useless buildings, built to collect money to strengthen the belief in the "NOTHING".

Crosses are simple symbols without a meaning but they got shit as soon as people started using them to show that they "believe". Earrings, wristbands, necklaces, tattoos, braceletes. You represent your belief in shit.

Grow up guys. Fairytales are meant for children.

Describing the 2011-2012 switch

Soo what have I done that day
Wait..since I´m a female I couldn´t do much because of crampfs and horrible pain :)
The only thing I know is that I felt forever alone, watched Saw, watched Wild Child, got drunk by myself anf watched one more Saw movie.
DADUUUUM and fell asleep at about 6:AM because I was too drunk to stay awake.
Fun.