iScar

There's a scar on my right eyelid.
Its birthday is june 28th 2011 and there are 2 stories about it.
Story A: My dressers door was open, I wanted to pick up a sock, overseen the door, banged it with my head, boom, eyelid cracked open.
Story B: I took too many pills, was tired at almost midnight, found a blade, thought it was attractive, cut my wrist open, passed out and while falling down cut my eyelid open with the blade. Woke up in cold sweat, gittering and covered in blood, told myself it's all just a hallucination, cleaned the bathroom, realized the eyelid opens up and I can look at my own flesh, woke parents up, was driven to the hospital to get 3 stitches.


Both stories are known, one to my family and the doctors, one to my friends.

5 reasons why I love selfish people

1. They get everything done on their own without asking for help and can stand for themselves
2. They don't ask you to share your food and they don't share theirs either
3. While having problems with their phone connection or internet access they wait and don't ask for your gadgets
4. When a friendship is over then IT'S FUCKING OVER and they don't discuss and beg for a second chance because they're too proud. Lost them once? Will never get them back again
5. They're mostly honest and say their opinion out loud, no matter if it's offending or not, they don't care about it


I FUCKING LOVE SELFISH PEOPLE

Teenage mags

I´d love writing for teenage magazines because I´m totally enjoying the whole blog-like thing when I know what to write about.
I think that magazines give you one keyword and you have to write everything what´s on your mind when you think of it and erm yeah..the best text wins and enters the magazine? Maybe? I hope so. One writer would be boring.
I´d enjoy it so damn much!
I mean hella, where else do you get the chance to just chill chill chill when you´re full of fantasy, are allowed to use the internet and don´t have to face real-life people? Duuh.


LOVE the idea of this whole crap.


No one probably cares so cheers!

So much for a best friend

The only thing I request in friendships is HONESTY.
Write it on your fucking forehead, HONESTY. Simple as that.
I don´t request understanding me because I know no one will ever understand me completely.
If I ask for your opinion after mentioning mine I don´t want you to agree. I want you to discuss, I´m waiting for your HONEST opinion no matter how rough it will sound, if it will hurt me or not. Fuck that. 
JUST BE HONEST, OKAY?


You failed once? I forgave you. You failed twice? Fuck you, get out of my life and forget we´ve ever been friends. Don´t expect me to forgive you once more. You can tell me "I´m sorry" as many times as you want, I´ll ignore because I DON´T FORGIVE MORE THAN ONCE if I forgive.


Yes, I´ll still keep you in my list of friends on facebook but as everyone knows, facebook friendships don´t mean a shit.
I´ll post daily, normal, random, funny and sad stuff to let you know you don´t affect a shit in my life. I´ll not cry over you because there´s no fucking need for that. No reason to be sad.

It´s just the normal process of getting rid of shit I don´t need.

Random letter to myself

Found a letter to myself from myself in our cellar. 

It´s basically a list of the most random things and the title says "so okay, i´ll just write my current thoughts down here". 7th grade. Mars bless me, I was about 12-13.  At that age I thought I´d live untill I´m 16 max. Now I´m turning 18 this year and holy mother of failure, my 12 year old me would yell at me for still being on this planet because hell no, life still does as much sense as back then when I was little, means: NONE.

I´ll just write down the list here:

"• I hate the world

• I can´t love
• I don´t have any friends

• I´m never having a mood

• I´ll die without music

• I love Jared Leto and his band

• I love Strify and his band

• I hate unfairness and I hate when my parents say no

• I hate age limits

• I hate the world because it´s only living through money

• I hate the world because it hates me

• Many people are using me for money, for their own reputation and just to make me feel worse

It´s so unfair, my parents won´t let me go on a 30 Seconds To Mars concert and they don´t buy me a guitar!

HELP ME!!!"

I´ll comment on every single sentense now, but a little summed up:

5 years passed from that letter, I used to be in an endless depression before my granddad died and from the moment he died I lost all human feelings like love. The only actual feeling that remained was hate, but the amount of it, the way my hate happened and what it ment to me was not human. People could´t stand me for being mad about everything, being sad about every single happy thing around, being jealous about how they could just live without any kind of trouble. They enjoyed their first teenage years while I´ve been at that point of life where I moved 5 times, lost a person who raised me, was out of touch with people who used to be around me such as friends and family. I used to blog a lot back then. I also used to take shit-loads of pills and swallowed them down with alcohol. I was 13. At 13 normal people are supposed to care about clothes, friendships, family. I was fixed at forgetting everything. I believe age 13 was the beginning of a new era to me. I started cutting, I tried to kill myself for the very first time. Age 13 was when I discovered pain actually can be fun. Self-harm was my new hobby. 

I fell in love with Jared Leto, now he´s my idol, my role-model. 30 Seconds To Mars aren´t Jared, Shannon, Tomo and Matt anymore. The band is minus Matt and it´s a thing for itself. It´s not just Jared. The band, THE WHOLE BAND, means a lot to me. I´ve never been at their concerts and I´m scared to be at one. Every single bad happening in my life was followed by their music. Their music used to be air to me. They literally unblocked my lungs so I could start  breathing. I think that when we visited my granddad´s grave "Oblivion" was playing. My brother yelled at me so I´d take my earphones out. I did. But the memory is still there. I´m scared. I´m scared to be thrown back to what I felt years ago and I don´t want to go back.

Strify, the lead-singer of Cinema Bizarre, huge thanks to your hair cut! I´d never ever cut my bangs if you wouldn´t be there.
Now I proudly can say that I prefer having a few REAL friends than just random people being nice to me. I´m a shit person, people who can´t handle my amount of hate and the way I don´t give a shit about stuff...BURN IN HEAVEN, BECAUSE HELL IS WHERE I`M AT :D

Money doesn´t mean as much to me as back then. Age limits actually are good. Back then I wanted to buy more alcohol, maybe cigarettes, who knows, I used to smoke for fun or for the pain my lungs gave me. I don´t know. You shouldn´t smoke age 13. Na-ah. Don´t do that.

I own a guitar since i´m about 14. I never play.

Message to my younger self: You should have killed yourself back then but you´d miss out having the bestest friends on earth supporting every step of yours. You´d also miss out having an iPhone 3G S named Zooey and an iPhone 4S named Brian. And an iMac named Andrew. And Monster Energy drinks. And you´d never see the last part of Harry Potter. And you´d never know about Breathe Carolina, about the new 30STM album, about the things happening here. I swear to mars, if I´d ever meet you I´d cry because your life fucking sucks. I won´t promise you that life will be amazing, it will get better, it will never be awesome but it will be okay. You can handle it. People will keep on hating, you´ll keep on not giving a fuck. You´ll still pick the weirdest people to be your friends because they´re the best. That one blonde chick, you´ll fight with her all the time but there´s no fucking knife that can cut your friendship apart. You´ll meet an amazing person on last.fm, she´ll be your best girlfriend, you´ll write her every day and stuff will never get boring. And the guy from your chemistry and english classes, the silent one, you´ll get to know him better on your last month of school. He´ll be your best friend as well. If you´ll go now, you´ll miss out all of that.